Today's pain

Today has taken so many turns in so many ways. The only stable thing has been my relationship. But I was surfing the web earlier and poof my mouse died...I tried shaking it, knocking it around a bit then I tried putting in fresh batteries but nothing I could do worked. So I decided I was  going to buy a new one. The main that saved me from freaking out was that because I live with my sister and she works at Smith's I get a discount. So I ended up paying like $12 for a mouse cause I am not that great with a track pad. I walked around the whole time at the store I didn't drive a mart cart and maybe that was a bad idea cause we got home and my left ankle was swollen and sort of discolored. Now keep in mind that it is the ankle that I have broke 2 times before so it explains some of it but gosh it hurts.

Back for real

I know for a fact that I have said all of this before, however this time I am completely serious about keeping this going. I am almost a completely different person, now here in 2012 almost 2013. 
I have a new Boyfriend almost known him a  a year now, I have new hobbies like my art journal which I am supposed to keep up on every day however being limited on space it is very hard to do that. I am also in to Zentangle they are beautiful works of art and I think I am already pretty good at them.
Here are a couple that I have done....

 

 Just One

I thought I had done more oh well maybe they are in my head or on some other piece of paper.
I know that I am still extremely random, about everything

This ought to be some sort of record for me. Okay I know I have said that I will never love again and that I am finished with it but what if just what if??? I was talking to a friend last night and he said that he has been thinking about me a lot lately a really lot and very heavily and I sware that while I was talking to him I heard the words "I Love You Baby" come out of his mouth. Now I know that I have been there for him when maybe other people weren't and we have had some great phone encounters but thats just it we have never met in person. We have talked numerous times via telephone and have not met in person. We are very strongly attracted to one another sexually I mean the sound of his voice makes me tingle all over. Our phone sex is amazing. Yes this relationship is an odd one and it is a down grade to what I have experienced with other men. But I really like Trevor a lot.

Now for the fact of the other men in my life Like James, he is an awesome fuck buddy and he proves that time and time again because everytime we have sex "the proof is in the puddle" yes he makes me Orgasm so much that I puddle gush and wow just amazing. We have a lot in common as well we both like the same sort of music and our personalities work its quirky but it works.

Then for Reed well the relationship with him is very strange because we are so strongly attracted to each other sexually and both reach multiple orgasms when we have sex. We can hang around each other and get along. I have stayed at his house weekend after weekend without problems. Just recently though the Jealous monster in him has been rearing its ugly head. I have heard it in his voice and I even pointed it out to him and said no Reed we decided we werent going to do this as a relationship thing and be jealous of each others love lives. But he has been and I can feel it.

Two years holy shit. Well I figured out that I have way to much going on in my head to keep it all bottled up in here. So I will spill.

Living the lifestyle I currently lead is well frustrating at best. I see one guy in particular that seems to draw more out of me than any of the others. So I am a Swinger I have multiple sexual partners. I am committed to none of them and I truly enjoy this way of life. I have more sex than my sisters who are married. I really truly enjoy sex so I am very happy that I can have it on a regular basis. There are times like recently that drive me insane. Almost to the point today to just be off with myself and have it be all said and done. One guy is driving me to this madness and his name is Jared and my god I love the man but there is so much stuff between us we started out being just friends with benefits and we are still that even though our lives at times have screamed for more commitment we have not done it. We have both been severely hurt in the past and do not want to revisit it anytime soon. Lately though he has been making me feel like I am not worthy of a relationship with him beyond what we already have just because he has this new girl in his life that he has fallen ass over tea kettle for again, and he thinks i have no right to be jealous, and confronted me about it just the other day. Well I say why the hell wouldn't I be jealous he is talking about her all the time like she is gods gift and how she is so beautiful and perfect and he feels that it is totally unreal that he is able to bed her. Well that just happened last night and hes thrilled that he was able to take her virginity and omg sometimes I just feel like pondscum in comparison to her isn't it normal to compare yourself against someone that the someone that you have a lot of feelings for is having more feelings for the other than you. I just want to stand there and scream in his face "I am the one you want you blind son of a bitch!" but I am much to mild mannered to do that. And I like my lifestyle the way it is commitment just scares the hell out of me and do not want to be confronted with it but I am constantly. I am going to go stark raving mad if I dont find a way to settle this out even if it means turning my back and walking away from him forever. Oh dam why did I let myself fall so hard for him I knew it would be moronic and idiotic but I did it anyway. I am constantly giving him the power to virtually stab me in the heart and stand there laughing while I lay there bleeding and dying. I dont want to let go of him though. We are really pretty great friends for the most part and despite what he thinks we have a lot in common and goddammit I am beautiful too. Pulling out my hair screaming at the top of my lungs crying my eyes out all the time and over him. Why why why why my dear god why. He will know if I start to turn cold against him too and besides who the hell will be there when she hurts him all over again like so many other girls have except for me of course. FUCK What the hell is it going to take honestly do I want to know if the answer was staring me right in the face would I realize it and fix it. Or would I just stand there stupidly shrug my shoulders and try to force myself through this pathetic form of a life I have. So for now I think I have raged enough maybe who knows I might have to do more later.

wow has it really been since 2006 that I have posted into the blogger I have been busy on other websites and almost forgot this one. But I just remembered looking through old papers and I also remembered that this account is set to private unlike some of my other blogs they are set to public.
So my life has been a little crazy since the last post I no longer live in my own place we got kicked out and I moved into my sister Kathy's place. We did find out that the old place had mold though like toxic mold no wonder my plants kept dying and I had a lot of physical problems while there.
I have now lost my very best friend William Barlow He passed away in April of this year and it has been the worst few months of my life since he passed away, cause not only that but my Dad died in November of last year and then my Grandpa like a week later. Oh and also a friend of mine since high school also passed away like a week before my Dad. 2007 Seemed like the longest year of my life a lot of things changed for me like being away from Frankie has given me a whole new perspective on our relationship like I don't know how much I am in love with him any more. I was very griefstricken with the death of my Dad and then all of a sudden Wil is gone the person who I as of late have been confiding in the most. I still cry a lot over his passing I just miss him so much and cannot believe he is actually gone from this earth. In fact typing this now is really hard cause I am getting all teary eyed. Obviously the pictures on the left of this post the top one is my Mom and Dad taken in about late September of 07' and the bottom picture is of Wil and I don't know exactly when it was taken but I love it cause it embodies everything that Wil was.
My Dad and my Best Friend are gone now but will never be forgotten. Not as long as I live any way.
So now that I remember that this is here and no one else knows about it I will probably be checking in from time to time just to update on how life is going and whether or not I have chosen to separate myself permanently from Frankie or not. I am still praying every day for God to show me the path, but it is sure hard to not slip into the old really dark Cindy that existed once before.

I love this new little bear from smiley central. I went to the doctor after my last post and found out that what I actually have is called feliculitis (infection of the hair folicles) I am on antibiotics and another round of steroids.
I swear with me if it is not one thing then it is another. I am so sick of going through all this stuff I go through all the time. I have still been dressing up electronic dollz I can seem to get pretty caught up in it although I have also been getting into blinkies





this is a blinkie however for some reason it is not blinking right now. oh well I have also been enjoying a new club online that I have joined. the graphics playground it is such a blast it is a place where a bunch of people get together and share siggies, blinkies, graphics psp stuff and more. I reallyh love this new place it is so much fun. Well hopefully I will be posting more soon.

Well it is yet again another week in my so called... life. Nothing happening on the SSI front. Of course my health is doing a little better but not much especially because of the steroid treatment I was on definately caused my blood to get way to thin, today I was at a 4.9 and usually I am and should be a 2.5, and keeping in mind that the higher the numbers go the thinner your blood is. Pretty scary if you ask me. I also have been breaking out in zits like a teenager, wich is really extra frustrating because I never had zits as a teen. But my Doc assures me that it will be short-lived and my complexion should resume to normal before to long. My sister Laurie brought her and her husbands new car tonight it is a 2006 Mustang and man is that car beautiful. she took me for a ride and it is damn fast too. I absolutely love my smilies there are so many of them that i am assured to get the right one for the way I am feeling. Yes this was actually me today really happy. Of course now every day that I wake up and I still have the internet I am happy I know that I should be happy anyway cause I do have my scrapbooking. Sometimes though it seems like I like finding things on the internet a lot more than anything else like my new found love of Say-club dolls they are Korean and I can only get them from a couple of sites but they are the cutest.




See what I mean and that one to the left is just one of about a thousand that I have found .

Well I guess I should be going now this is a marathon blog I guess.