This ought to be some sort of record for me. Okay I know I have said that I will never love again and that I am finished with it but what if just what if??? I was talking to a friend last night and he said that he has been thinking about me a lot lately a really lot and very heavily and I sware that while I was talking to him I heard the words "I Love You Baby" come out of his mouth. Now I know that I have been there for him when maybe other people weren't and we have had some great phone encounters but thats just it we have never met in person. We have talked numerous times via telephone and have not met in person. We are very strongly attracted to one another sexually I mean the sound of his voice makes me tingle all over. Our phone sex is amazing. Yes this relationship is an odd one and it is a down grade to what I have experienced with other men. But I really like Trevor a lot.

Now for the fact of the other men in my life Like James, he is an awesome fuck buddy and he proves that time and time again because everytime we have sex "the proof is in the puddle" yes he makes me Orgasm so much that I puddle gush and wow just amazing. We have a lot in common as well we both like the same sort of music and our personalities work its quirky but it works.

Then for Reed well the relationship with him is very strange because we are so strongly attracted to each other sexually and both reach multiple orgasms when we have sex. We can hang around each other and get along. I have stayed at his house weekend after weekend without problems. Just recently though the Jealous monster in him has been rearing its ugly head. I have heard it in his voice and I even pointed it out to him and said no Reed we decided we werent going to do this as a relationship thing and be jealous of each others love lives. But he has been and I can feel it.

Two years holy shit. Well I figured out that I have way to much going on in my head to keep it all bottled up in here. So I will spill.

Living the lifestyle I currently lead is well frustrating at best. I see one guy in particular that seems to draw more out of me than any of the others. So I am a Swinger I have multiple sexual partners. I am committed to none of them and I truly enjoy this way of life. I have more sex than my sisters who are married. I really truly enjoy sex so I am very happy that I can have it on a regular basis. There are times like recently that drive me insane. Almost to the point today to just be off with myself and have it be all said and done. One guy is driving me to this madness and his name is Jared and my god I love the man but there is so much stuff between us we started out being just friends with benefits and we are still that even though our lives at times have screamed for more commitment we have not done it. We have both been severely hurt in the past and do not want to revisit it anytime soon. Lately though he has been making me feel like I am not worthy of a relationship with him beyond what we already have just because he has this new girl in his life that he has fallen ass over tea kettle for again, and he thinks i have no right to be jealous, and confronted me about it just the other day. Well I say why the hell wouldn't I be jealous he is talking about her all the time like she is gods gift and how she is so beautiful and perfect and he feels that it is totally unreal that he is able to bed her. Well that just happened last night and hes thrilled that he was able to take her virginity and omg sometimes I just feel like pondscum in comparison to her isn't it normal to compare yourself against someone that the someone that you have a lot of feelings for is having more feelings for the other than you. I just want to stand there and scream in his face "I am the one you want you blind son of a bitch!" but I am much to mild mannered to do that. And I like my lifestyle the way it is commitment just scares the hell out of me and do not want to be confronted with it but I am constantly. I am going to go stark raving mad if I dont find a way to settle this out even if it means turning my back and walking away from him forever. Oh dam why did I let myself fall so hard for him I knew it would be moronic and idiotic but I did it anyway. I am constantly giving him the power to virtually stab me in the heart and stand there laughing while I lay there bleeding and dying. I dont want to let go of him though. We are really pretty great friends for the most part and despite what he thinks we have a lot in common and goddammit I am beautiful too. Pulling out my hair screaming at the top of my lungs crying my eyes out all the time and over him. Why why why why my dear god why. He will know if I start to turn cold against him too and besides who the hell will be there when she hurts him all over again like so many other girls have except for me of course. FUCK What the hell is it going to take honestly do I want to know if the answer was staring me right in the face would I realize it and fix it. Or would I just stand there stupidly shrug my shoulders and try to force myself through this pathetic form of a life I have. So for now I think I have raged enough maybe who knows I might have to do more later.